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Photo of Charlene Ryan Dancing

Dancing in a World of Possibilities

Journey with Cancer to Love

Acknowledgments

This memoir is dedicate to my husband Edward Alan Charlshe.  The Love of my life, my best friend, and the one who taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.  Ed you have been for me a compassionate and loving healer.  Thank you my darling husband for dancing with me and supporting me in following my inner guidance with cancer.

Elizabeth (Liz) Haley my friend, confidant, and soul sister who knows my story well and loving listened through my highs and lows with cancer.  You were my encouragement to talk out loud, and to write this memoir.  Thank you my sister for your love, dedication and support.

Fran Fuller, you have been a great student.  I am grateful for all your questions and I celebrate your hunger for understanding.  One can never be a teacher without being a student.  Your questions and exploration into other teachings and your willingness to share these often confirmed what I acknowledge and I embrace.  Thank you!

Ann Taylor my Australian Soul Sister.  From the moment we met there was a deep comfort and familiarity.  Thank you for your commitment to our friendship by calling me every month for the last 17 years.  Your friendship has deeply touched my soul. Most of all thank you for your love.

It takes a village to awaken us to our god given potential.  My heart felt thanks and gratitude  to all of you who have been part of my dance. 

Preface

This autobiographical writing is unedited and raw. I started out writing this for me as a way to reflect back on my life and make sense of it and I wanted to understand, How is it I created cancer?  I am deeply grateful that the presence of the spirit world, synchronicity, the paranormal, and my relationship with God has sustained me through my life especially during ten years of great uncertainty with this life threatening illness. My first book, “Memoirs of a Mystic” was about searching. This writing is about finding.

On these pages you will find two stories, one, my journey with Cancer, exploring what was possible in the world of healing, excavating all aspects of my life, mentally, physically, and emotionally, the other giving credence to my many mystical, shamanic, and paranormal experiences those that I had kept private most of my life, and, to further explore what was available, what was yet to be discovered in the unseen world of possibilities.

Cancer has  invited me to take a deeper look at my life, to make sense of  it and  to honor it.  Cancer has summoned  forth the “real” me, not the personality Charlene, but the, I Am.  In sharing my story  with you my reader required a vulnerability, and a depth of courage.

Introduction

My heart connects with all those before me who have suffered with Cancer. I honor and acknowledge their mental, emotional and physical anguish and pain. I also honor what cancer has taught them. It is a profound experience, and offers deep transformation. 

I have had resistance from the start to make my cancer journey public, beside the medical professionals only a few chosen family and friends have know. I did not want peoples fears projected onto me, or for others to burry me before my time, or to have to continuously answer the question ‘how are you feeling?”, or for people to tell me what I should or should not do for treatment. 

After much internal and external guidance and encouragement, with love I share my journey with cancer with you my reader, as I have experienced it from the start.  Many questions came for me in the process. I asked myself, “who cares, it's just another cancer story” and we know how they end. Compounding the whole process, and more importantly,  underneath the cancer,  was the drive to reveal the “real” me, my “true” identity to the world. 

Throughout these pages my thoughts, feelings, and experience about what cancer has been for me will be found. In the telling I will also share with you who I am. The real me, and the real experiences, the magic in my life that I have kept hidden for most of my life, afraid to show the world. I always thought of myself as a very ordinary person, yet, at a very young age I began to experience great mystery in my life. My family dismissed these mysteries as an overactive imagination and squelched further exploration. I wore the frustration of being misunderstood, and fearful of being myself. Instead I stood outside of life looking in, repressing my knowingness, denying and not trusting my communion with, and conscious awareness of God through my intuition, insight and nature. I was always dealing with external and internal factors repressing and pushing me down. Yet, when I felt undone these same factors would pull me up, each time a shift in consciousness occurred.These external and internal forces would be the very impetus I would need to help me to define myself.

Because mystical experiences tend to be felt or experienced beyond the realms of ordinary consciousness they often defy physical description, and can best be only hinted at. The mystery of my intuitive knowing, mystical, shamanic and paranormal experiences can ever and only be experienced and known on a level that is beyond the intellectual mind. 

My mystical and shamanic journey to God, The Source, within me has brought love,  joy, and freedom to my life. My path has been to seek direct knowledge and spiritual experience of God and “universal truth”. My desire was to become one with the Divine Spirit of life, The Christ Consciousness, not separate from it.  With one foot balanced in ”normal” earth life and one foot placed in non-ordinary realms I used intuition to transcend ordinary understanding.

Religious institutions have placed boundaries around us and deliver us rules to keep us in status quo. However in every religion there is the living experience of the mystic which is very much like the life of a shaman. From the dawn of civilization shamans and mystics have played a vital role in the evolution of consciousness. It is through their light, knowledge, wisdom and the energy of their healing that consciousness continues to evolve.

The way I see it, many people have lost their connection with God and they seek answers to life’s questions through materialism, position, power, and distraction. For so many, minds and hearts are closed, and they are walled off from a connection with a source that sustains every aspect of our expanding universe.

Joy and suffering are indispensable components of life that give meaning and constitutes the mystery of life. Without avoiding or ignoring the harsh realities of life I somehow have been able to grasp its essence and enjoy its beauty and mystery. No matter what life has brought I endeavored to embrace reality as opportunities to know, wonder, appreciate, love and express gratitude for the Divine within myself and others. My soulful intention is and has been, to make the world a better place. 

I believe in the existence of realities beyond human comprehension. It is through science and its exploration of dimensions, parallel universes, other realities, ancient civilizations, Extra Terrestrial influences that bring credence to my experiences. Over my life I have had numerous inductions into mysticism and shamanism. Although I will relay  a few of these events, fundamental truth as I experienced it, cannot be understood by the intellect nor easily put into words.

This  sharing of my life is first and foremost for me. I needed to come out of the shadows of my life and tell my story. That said, experiences are not real until we tell someone. It is by the telling that I embrace who is inside me.  My experiences give meaning and purpose to my life, and have been a profound way of revealing my “true” self.

As I guide you through the pages of my autobiography, I will be moving back and forth through my life placing events in chapters that help to build, support and convey my story rather than in any chronological order. These experiences woven together, would become the foundation from which my life would be propelled into an unforeseen direction.

The year 2004 left the deepest imprint on my soul and my journey. No past or present mystical or shamanic knowing could have prepared me for the extra-ordinary circumstance that would thrust me into my greatest spiritual test of faith. As I was to discover, these events spoke to me from the mystical, shamanic part of myself that has championed me on and walked with me through all previous and subsequent, uncharted territory. Bottom line for me is that I was willing to lay down my life for what I believed.This is my story of love and my journey back to myself.

I said: what about my eyes?  God said: Keep them on the road.
I said: what about my passion?  God said: Keep it burning.
I said: what about my heart?  God said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: pain and sorrow?  He said: ..stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
~ Rumi

These next chapters will attempt to place in chronologic order the events, experiences and understanding in my life from birth to present. I originally wrote this autobiography in order to understand how it was that I created cancer, to validate the out of the “norm” experiences I had.  But mostly I wrote this to free myself from who I am not,  answer the question who am I, and to Awaken to who I really am before I left this planet. 

This memoir will take you from birth to present.  You will see my struggles with identity, witness my delight and dilemma regarding my connection to the spirit and unseen world.  Hopefully you will know with me that no matter what our life experiences its our courage to understand, heal and forgive that will bring clarity and freedom to our life.

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